#1:
Suzie Simpson and Bobby Ray Goldman stood on the sidewalk
outside of a creepy old house.
“I bet you won’t go into that old
haunted house, Bobby Ray,” Suzie said.
“Ha. You wouldn’t go in either,”
said Bobby Ray.
“Would too!”
“Would not.”
“Would too!”
“Alright,” said Bobby Ray, “you
go in there then. Prove it." Suzie hesitated. "Ah, sure. Not so tough now, are you?”
“I’m tough,” said Suzie. “I just
don’t feel like doing anything on my own right now.”
“Whatever.”
“No. Seriously. If you came with
me, then I’d go. What do you say, Bobby Ray? C’mon, let’s do this together! It’ll
be fun.” Suzie sounded determined.
“I’m not sure…”
“Come on!”
“Oh, all right. But just this
once,” said Bobby Ray nervously.
#2:
Suzie Simpson and Bobby Ray Goldman stood on the sidewalk
outside of a creepy old house. While neither of them really wanted to go
explore the old McPhail mansion, they talked each other into it. Not
wanting to appear cowardly, Bobby Ray squeezed Suzie’s hand as they walked up
the front path…
While the first one might be interesting as a way to help develop my characters, it does very little to move my story along. In the second, I've condensed a dull, predictable debate to one or two sentences. My audience knows already the sort of things kids say when they dare each other to do things. So there is no need to spell all that out over a page of dialogue.
While you write your tale, keep this in mind: "Show the story, don't 'talk' the story".
